Coffee!! You can sleep when you're dead!

I blame that double espresso I had at 3.30 yesterday afternoon.

It’s 3.30am…again…and I am awake again!  Not helping my weight loss journey at all (OMG I sound like a Biggest Loser contestant…they all say “my journey”…I will feel like a big loser in a few short hours when I am supposed to be at my perky best, all bright eyed and bushy tailed ready to greet a new day...I feel more like I am "tripping", than journeying). However,  I digress…

It is 3.30am and therefore it is now 12 hours since I had that delicious, aromatic double shot espresso in my little white espresso cup...my reward for a hard day’s work, and a little boost to help me cope for a  few more hours . I need to have serious words about coffee...

Caffeine is the most popular and widely used drug in the world. It is a substance found in the leaves, seeds or fruit of a number of plant species, such as coffee and tea plants.  Caffeine is a stimulant which acts on the central nervous system to speed up the messages to and from the brain. Caffeine takes 5–30 minutes to circulate in the body after it has been consumed. Its effects will continue as long as it is in the blood, which is usually around 12 hours.

Hear that ? 12 HOURS!!!!  12 Hours: 3.30pm to 3.30am = TWELVE HOURS!!!  Who knew 100mls or so of black liquid could be so powerful.  It’s left me stressed, sleepless and cranky.  I am worrying about worrying. I am worrying about worrying about worrying.  I am worrying about not sleeping and I am trying not to feel resentment towards Sleeping Beauty upstairs, burrowed under a soft, warm featherdown quilt, snoring away, oblivious to my pain.  I am also worried about the following:

Caffeine is a stimulant – and here’s what it does:

It elevates heart rate, increases blood flow, and raise body temperature. Caffeine enters the blood stream where the brain detects and stimulates the adrenal glands to release adrenalin. Adrenalin will increase heart rate. The liver is then stimulated where glucose is released into the blood stream. As a result blood glucose levels go up and the pancreas then releases insulin to regulate blood glucose levels…and therein lies a slippery slope, people.

So, I am flooded with adrenalin when I should be relaxed and enjoying my REMs…it’s making me fat, I am panicking,  I can feel it!  My body is panicking: “Head for the hills! The famine is coming, hang on to that f a-a-a-a-a-a-a-t!!!”

Where was I? Right, yes. But wait, there's more. Research (yes, yes I found it on the net!) has shown links between heavy use of caffeine and osteoporosis, high blood pressure and heart disease, heartburn, ulcers, severe insomnia and infertility.  

The major behavioural problems associated with heavy caffeine use are anxiety and depression. ..which as we have previously discussed can make us fat!

Credit for this drawing goes to a blogger called "Psychosheep" or somesuch

On top of all that the Grehlin Monster (remember that pesky hormone that tells us we are hungry in the wee small hours when we haven’t had enough sleep, or haven’t gone to sleep?) is raging around my body…this night is doomed and that’s how I feel. Caffeine withdrawal required.

But wait: here are the symptoms of caffeine withdrawal: irritability, nervousness, headache, anxiety, adrenal signals switched on, FAT programs activated…

We are all doomed 

The Bearable Lightness of Being...

The bearable lightness of being, well, 10% lighter…

Though I would still describe myself as more on the Rubenesque side of the bumps and curves spectrum than the Picassoesque side, I am now 10% (and a bit) lighter than I used to be…and I have gone from being in the “OMG I can’t believe it, I am obese” category to the “well, you’re still overweight with a BMI of 26.8, but that’s a bit better” category.  And, I have to say I am feeling better, my clothes fit me a lot more comfortably and I am enjoying being able to run…yes Lola, that’s what I said run!! Me running! Yeah, incredible I know.  This from the wine-imbibing, chocolate eating, you’re a big lass so why don’t you just have another wheel of brie with that water cracker kind of girl.

When I started out just a few short months ago, I was determined to get to the bottom of this weight loss gig and 1) work out why I couldn’t lose it and never see it again and 2) why it seemed so hellishly important to lose at least 10% of my body weight to start with.  It seemed like a magical number to me and I thought there might be some compelling reasons why losing “just” 10% would be so important.  So after extensive researching – yes, ok, some of it was done on the internet – these seem to be the Top 10 benefits of losing 10%:

1    Better blood pressure
2.   Improved heart health and lower cholesterol levels
3.   Decreased risk for diabetes
4.   Enhanced sex life
5.   A better night’s sleep for those with obstructive sleep apnea
6.   Less pain associated with arthritis, joint disease, and lower back pain.
7.   Better breathing
8.   Decreased risk for colon and breast cancer

9.   A healthier gallbladder
10.  More energy

So, have I managed to achieve the Top 10?

1. Let’s see, my blood pressure seems to be ok right now, and I think it was ok at the beginning.  I do know a person who lost 10% of their body weight and their blood pressure dropped from 140/95 (on the quite high “you should be worried about this” side), to 120/80 (much more normal). 

2. I will take “their” word for it and believe that my heart is healthier, and my cholesterol is under control.

3. This I know, it is well-documented on and off the internet.  I for one am happy about this - having a few rellos with diabetes increases my risk of getting it too, but I also know that Type 2 diabetes can be easily avoided by eating well, exercise and maintaining a healthy body weight

4. Look, I am a bit of a modest girl, so what I will say is …well, um…yes

 5. I didn’t have obstructive sleep apnea, but I have certainly been sleeping better…and I might not snore as much either J

6. I’m sorry, but I am yet to experience the joys of number 6.  I went to a Zumba class a few weeks ago.  I had a ball, clapping and jumping and yelling out “Zumba!” at odd moments, but the Zumba-bubble burst when I woke the next morning because my knee (my medial meniscus to be precise) was screaming “what the hell have you done to me?”  Off to the phsyio I went and returned crestfallen and suitably admonished about not doing Zumba, going running or vigorous twisting type activities for at least 2-3 weeks.  I also have to do hellishly painful exercises to help fix said meniscus.  In addition, a while back I walked up a very steep hill – my thighs still haven’t forgiven me.  You get the drift, don’t you?  So while I like all the leaping round and moving that I have been doing, I am not exactly pain free – yet.

Cardio "party"?

7. Yep and yep – I breathe better – as in I no longer feel as though I am about to have to go to hospital for “exploding lung” when I dash across the road, and I no longer feel like I am about to die after running for more than 20 seconds.

8.  My colon appears to be quite happy at present, thank you. (Stay tuned for the blog about the adventures of Julia’s colon). And again I am happy to accept the assertion that my risk for both colon and breast cancers has diminished

9. I am not exactly on intimate terms with my gallbladder, but I am not having any trouble with it, so would like to keep it that way.  And if my gallbladder is happy with 10% less of me, then so am I!

10. Categorically yes…smiles all round

Visualise a thinner future!



Check out the non-believer on the left!



I’ve often thought that it’s a rather wild claim to say – “just imagine it, and it will happen”. We have all heard of “The Secret”, and the laws of attraction, and many of us have squeezed our eyes tightly shut and wished really, really hard for something, or wished on a star, or bargained with God.  Doesn’t always happen, sometimes it does.  A fluke, karma, the David Jones’ Santa heard the kiddies’ wishes and told the parents to buy their offspring an X-Box, or a “magic happens” kind of thing.  When it comes to weight loss, I just don’t think one can “wish” to be thin - and viola! – you’re on the cover of Vogue and Hello! with Katie chainsmoking Moss et al. I think there’s more to to it than that.



In my quest to learn more about the power of  imagining, focusing, visualising, dreaming and hoping to get what we want, I stumbled across the  Capital T, Capital S “The Secret”, and I have just read some cracking good stories about weight loss on the Secret Website (if it is secret, how is it so easy to find?).  How’s this one from “Dee B’ in Florida:

Miss Dee is the one in the pink shoes

“I told myself that I could eat whatever I wanted and lose two pounds (that's a kilo folks!!) every night in my sleep, and even wrote it for every day on my calendar. This happened for a week, and I began to get discouraged when I didn’t feel results, but I believed so what did I do… I took out all the clothes that I had in storage containers for when I would be “skinny”, and hung them in my drawers. I put the other clothes in a bag on my closet floor. I hung up all the clothes that I BELIEVED I would wear shortly. After that I released it into the universe and just let it go without doubt. I honestly believed I had done my part of the process, and ate whatever I wanted with the internal belief that it would help me lose weight.  What can I tell you except that at my cousin's wedding four weeks later I was utterly in my perfect form, with a beautiful short hairdo wearing my beautiful size 3 dress”

What’s missing for me in Miss Dee B’s “I do believe in the Secret, I do believe in the Secret, I do believe in the Secret” excerpt (the original was way too long to put in here – but hey check it out yourself) is that Miss Dee B apparently took no action to be thin, as in changing her behaviours in any way that may have caused the weight loss.  She just hung skinny clothes in her drawers (drawers with hanging space? Big drawers Dee B) and “ate whatever she wanted”.  The implication being that WHATEVER she wanted meant she didn’t follow a diet, an exercise plan, or a good eating program, -  but maybe she wanted sprouts and chicken, maybe she did follow a good eating plan but just omitted to tell us that.  The Secret stories (there’s thousands of ‘em) all imply they all did nothing to achieve their hearts desires but release their wish to the universe and “believe” in “the power”. Call me a sceptic but as Oprah said:

“Hope is not a plan, honey".

So maybe just imagining and wishing for things might not work (for me anyway, I’m not Dee B), but we do have at our disposal a very marvellous tool that can help us reach our long hoped for goals. 
So what am I talking about here?  I am talking visualisation, baby. Using visualisations as a way of helping us achieve our goals is probably a more helpful way of going about losing weight than merely wishing for it to happen. There’s even science associated with visualisation for achieving goals.
Take sport as  an example – sports psychologists have been helping athletes for years to visualise their performance, perfectly and in minute detail.  There is much research to support the efficacy of visualisation in sport.   Think back to the last Olympics – right before the start of a race or event – the athletes are not waving to the crowd or chatting idly to each other. Instead their gaze is set firmly on the finish line and they are visualising their event or race as they want it to go – perfect and error free, perfect in motion and execution.  They have rehearsed and practiced their event until they know exactly how it will all pan out, exactly where to place their feet, their arms, their torso, their head.

An effective way of visualising the future is to think about the processes that are involved in reaching a goal, rather than just the end-state of achieving it. 

Visualisation is also used in psychological therapies to help people change their behaviour. There are a couple of reasons why visualising goal achievement works:

• helps focus our attention on the steps needed to reach the goal; and
• leads to reduced anxiety.

Visualisation helps us deliberately change the way we feel, our level of autonomic arousal, our behaviour, and it helps us improve performance, reduce fears and phobias, and can also improve the functioning of the immune system. Creative visualisation help us relaxxxxxxxx.....

So how do we do it? Creative visualisation is a practice that uses the mind to focus on  visual stimuli that is pleasing or empowering - and done so in a state of calm. As our mind is guided to focus on this imagery, a feeling of already being in that place, or that state, is encouraged and stimulated. The idea is to vividly picture our goals and actions as if they already exist, as if already happening.  And here is the BEST thing: the subconscious mind does not know the difference between what is imagined and what is real - this remarkable fact is what makes regular creative visualisation so powerful.  That our mind belives it is real then helps us to take the steps needed to reach our goals.  Pretty good huh?

Try it and see what happens – I might even tell Dee B about it!

 

"I wish I may, I wish I might..."

 

:

To sleep, perchance to be thin (apologies to W. Shakespeare)

So, it’s 3.45am on this wintry night and here I am surfing the net and looking for inspiration.  I thought it was better to get up than stay in bed tossing and turning worrying about producing stress hormones because I was worried about not sleeping because I was worried that not sleeping and stressing would send a signal to my body to turn on my stress response program as if there was a freakin’ famine about to start and telling my fat cells to hang on in there, we still need you in this time of need…

Okay, okay this all sounds like the rant of an insomniac, who doesn't use any punctuation whatsover, and well…I suppose it is.  But I do know sleep is important in relation to weight loss, so here are some sleep-deprived musings…

I just read about this diet that two guys in the UK published – it’s called the “Hibernation Diet”, and basically they extol the virtues of a spoonful of honey before bed to get your metabolism firing while you sleep, which turns off your stress hormones and allows your blood sugars to level and provides fuel while you sleep. It's a dream come true! (hahahaha – a bit of late night/early morning humour) .  Now, this  really is the stuff of weight-loss wishes— shedding kilos while tucked up in bed and waking up refreshed, thin  and ready for the day ahead.  And it’s all down to a spoonful of honey.  

But hold it right there – please read the fine print before you rush off to your local 24 hour Woollies in your PJs for your jar of manuka honey– our British duo then go on to say that a healthy diet that excludes white bread, chips, pizzas and sweets, and exercise that includes resistance training, pilates and yoga 5 times a week will also assist with weight loss. Well der…

Okay here’s the thing…when we are tired, sleep-deprived insomniacs the last thing we want to do when our bleary eyes greet the dawn is reach enthusiastically for our gym clothes and head on out to Fitness First for an early morning workout.  No…what we do is make a coffee and slump on the couch with eyes half shut against the brightness of day and bitch and moan about how tired we are while criticizing what stupid Mel and even-stupider Kochie are saying on "sunrise", or "good morning blah blah".  Then what we do is crave carbohydrates because our brains our saying “hey you, get your bum off the couch and feed me – NOW!!”. So we grab toast, or a pastry, or a muffin on the way to work in the vain hope that this and a few more espressos will keep us going for the day until we can once more go to bed...and try to sleep.

But seriously those two UK diet dudes are right about our hormones and they are right about sleep. Good, adequate sleep aids weight loss. (Forget the honey and the hibernation though). Why do we need sleep? It’s not only a necessary part of rejuvenating the body; but is also highly important to the metabolism.  We eat because our bodies are given signals to eat.  Those signals come from hormones called  ghrelin and leptin  and they are directly affected by sleep; and directly affect our eating patterns.  Ghrelin is a hormone that tells the body “Hey you!  You’re hungry! You need to eat!”  Leptin, our true hormonal friend, tells the body when to stop eating.  When we are sleep deprived, our bodies increase production of ghrelin and there is a decrease in the amount of leptin in action.  What does all this mean? What it means is when we don’t get enough sleep we have a higher craving for food and a lowered resistance to overeating.  Double that with the body’s need for energy and those of us trying to control our weight have a recipe for disaster! (more late night puns…sorry).

So gang, if you need to lose some kilos, get some sleep!

Exploring exercise

Ah...exercise.  I like it when I do it, and dread it when I don't.  All my life I have had a love-hate relationship with exercise.  When I was a teenager, I used to leave gym class ten minutes before the end so I could get changed in privacy and try to cool down my face - that had turned blood red and blotchy from exertion.  It wasn't that I didn't like gym class or PE -  I just didn't like the way it made me look during and after. Weird, I know.  Vain? Probably. Self-conscious? Definitely. No-one else seemed to have the same problem as me.  No-one else had a face that resembled a big red sweating balloon, complete with pimples.  I longed for exercise that I could do with nice clothes on, that didn't make my hair curl from perspiration, that didn't well, involve moving very much.  Something like this:

I loved to read, so if I could have had a contraption like this... I could have read all the Dolly magazines I liked, all the Jane Austens and Brontes AND "exercise" at the same time!

Imagine all the things you could do with a machine like this :-)  Update facebook, text your friends, upload iPhone apps, have a sleep.  Exercising in your sleep, now there's an idea...

or this: hands free and you can wear your best...er...dress...while the machine does it's work. No red faces here

Roller massagers were supposed to vibrate or massage the fat off – the theory being that fat would get  loosened from wherever it was tethered, therefore enabling the body to flush it out!!  Which is why this woman has a nice slim waist...though she doesn't look all that comfortable or happy about it.  Again though, it's hands free for twittering, practicing sign language or standing proudly with hands on hips while the  machine does all the work. No red faces involved.



Now, what about these "Wonder Sauna Hot Pants". What a great idea - one size fits all - they simply MELT the fat away from waist, tummy, hips and thighs.  No running, no sweating, no red faced puffing and panting involved.  Sit down, switch on the telly, crack open a nice bottle of red and relax in the knowledge you don't have to do a thing. the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants will do it all for you. And look how happy this couple look - here they are doing something fun together, while the fat just melts away...





the family that exercises together...



And another variation on the theme that tells us that all you have to do is massage the fat away...here's another ideal Christmas or birthday present, or just treat yourself...go on, you deserve it



and with an 11 day (eleven days?)  money back guarantee - you don't get that from the local gym, do you?

It's been a while...but I have been busy

Me and my mates having fun at "Fat Camp"

Well, what a month or so it has been! April has flown by in a blur and bloody hell, May is more than half way through...posts coming up! Fat farms, "health" retreats, meditation, willpower, starvation, protein, carbs, fats 'n' all.  I have something to say about all of 'em...stay tuned

Time has flown and so have I...  Here is me and some of my friends exercising - note our very latest sportswear and beautiful form, and our shoes!

The things I have learned about carbs in the last 5 weeks has blown me away, not all carbs are created equal you know, and a calorie is not just a calorie; and protein - wait til I get started on that! And fats - gotta have 'em!





See you soon!

Beware the Beige

Beware Beige Food!

Did you know that some people dedicate their lives and diets to eating only beige food?

And just what what is beige food I hear you say? Those beige food-loving folk,  define it as  anything on your plate that isn’t green. They proudly declare that they love the beige!  So long as the food hues are fawn, pale yellow, cream and well, beige, they will have it.   Along with greenery, there is to be no orange, no red, no purples, no pistachio, no amber, no cerise and no mauve.  Here are some pictorial examples:

Interesting isn’t it, the sorts of foods that are beige?

Some of my favourite foods used to be (are) of the beige variety : Red Rock deli chips, brie, camembert, crackers, cashews, pastry.  So what really is “bad” about beige? Well, beige is a boring colour, and beige foods are well…boring.  The plate looks boring. But above all, the food is boringly bad for you. It’s usually of the deep fried, high fat, high carbohydrate variety.  Ever seen those shows on TV where the weight loss guru spends a week with a plus-sized family and then spreads out their weeks’ worth of food  (my favourite one at the moment is “Fat Family Diet” – watch it just for the presenter’s alliteration: giant jellies, mammoth mummy, large and lard-like, and the way he cheerfully calls his subjects  “Massive Fatties”) and there it is in all its glory – beige chips, beige pizza, beige crumbed things, beige cakes, beige potatoes, beige burgers , beige nuggets, beige gravy, beige custard, beige coffee, beige bread, beige donuts, beige pasta, beige ice cream, beige beer  and beige takeaways.  Check it out, I kid you not – even Jamie Oliver’s done it.

So now, I’m going for the  nutrition rainbow. – and there’s no beige in that baby.  A piece of trivia to note - the compounds that give fruit and vegetables their bright colour also give them their unique health promoting properties – they do more than just provide nutrition! .Some studies have shown that these plant-based chemicals, or phyto-nutrients help prevent one or more chronic, debilitating and often deadly diseases by boosting immunity or ridding the body of damaging free radicals.

The trick is to include as many plant-based foods in your daily diet as possible, always eat the colourful skins that often have the richest sources of protective phyto-nutrients. And don’t peel things like apples and eggplants – that’s where all the good stuff is.

In addition to their low calorie benefits- did you know that purple hued foods (think grapes, eggplants, blueberries, beetroot, and um …red wine) are said to delay the ageing of cells in the body?  Eat your purples – delay Alzheimer’s  and maintain good urinary tract health!!  How about your greens?   Some research says they  help to promote strong bones and teeth, they’re good for your vision and keep your eyes healthy and may lower the risk of some types of cancer.  The reds help fight some cancers and strengthen the lungs!! The benefits go on!! I could run out of exclamation marks!!

Whaddya get from the beige? Heart disease, clogged arteries, diabetes, bowel problems, indigestion, bloating, lethargy, high blood pressure, and even mood disorders such as depression. So now, what is the upshot of all this for me?  Well. I have decided well and truly to all gone, banish the beige - all gone - "good beiges" like tuna and chicken.   Viva the green! The red! The orange! The yellow! The purples!

Banish the Beige!!

Weight Loss and the Demon Drink

  And another thing…

“Oh, here we go again with another excuse…”

Before I let my Critical Voice hog my opening line, I want to jump in and say something fast, before I decide not to say it at all.

Something I haven’t readily admitted to, and this is a blog that is supposed to help me to be accountable, is that have been drinking waaaaaaaayyyy too much in the past year.  What with some of my  dear people popping of their mortal coils, me feeling sorry for myself for having all sorts of difficulties with all sorts of people and things, getting sick and “blah, blah blah”… I have had the odd alcoholic beverage to help me cope, which has sometimes led to the odd episode of being tipsy, tiddled, giggly, sloshed, smashed and so on (I am quite the Euphemism Queen these days, aren’t I?).  Mostly  it hasn’t involved me being raucously, screamingly drunk - it has been a quiet nightly habit after work, while waiting for dinner,  cooking dinner, eating dinner and so on.

I conclude that I have really been putting it away.  Sure I have eaten too much of the wrong thing too often, but I have also drunk a hell of a lot of the wrong thing much too often for my liver’s liking…and that of my stomach, thighs and arms.  If anyone reading this has shares in First Choice Liquor Stores, you may have noticed a dividend rise in 2010…

I do not look like this when I'm on the sauce, unfortunately

Alright, I admit, my food portions have been too big, and once I start on a bag of Red Rock Deli chips it is hard to stop, and I like  good chocolate, but generally I eat pretty well. I don’t eat junk food…honestly I don’t (although I do like Crust pizza), so what else has made me a fatty boomsticks.  Yep, you guessed what’s coming next….Vino, bubbly, a Cosmopolitan here and there…Remember that UB40 song “red, red wine/goes to my head”? yes it goes to your head, but what about your your stomach? We have all heard of beer bellies, well I have a wine belly. I’ve always been a girl who’d prefer to have (another) glass of red than a dessert and eschew nibblies and go for the champers instead, safe in the erroneous belief that I was on to some really clever weight management trick. But to my dismay have found out the following GEMS of information: There are many reasons that alcohol and weight gain go together including

1. Alcohol contains calories
2. Alcohol can lead to overeating
3. Alcohol can affect the body’s ability to burn fat

OK, number 1 I can cope with.  And number 2. Well, case in point: one night very recently I caught up with some good friends for Friday night drinks. It was a nice night, we sat on the back deck, the mood was good and the conversation interesting. I started off well, with a small glass of wine and resisted the brie and crackers, the hommus and the delicious looking dukkha served with lemon olive oil and fresh crusty sour dough.  All was well, one small glass was followed by another. As the laughter roared around the deck the wine began to flow as freely as the talk and before I knew it, I had that damn platter of sourdough in front of me and I was dipping and dunking as if competing in an eating competition! See…alcohol does not make for steely resolve, it lets the voice inside get loud so it ‘s yelling: “You haven’t eaten a thing for hours! One little bit of bread won’t kill you! Olive oil is healthy. Dukkha is delicious. Bugger it, hoe in!”

So that brings me to point number 3. Here is the news:

When we drink alcohol, our bodies convert it into this stuff called acetate,  which is burned BEFORE other calories we have consumed or have stored. So, as I have consumed more calories than my body requires (ie eating too much), then I store the excess as fat. Then when I drink, my body is receiving the bulk of its energy from the acetate in the alcohol, not from my very ample fat stores. Science tells us that alcohol inhibits “lipid oxidation”. This is the body’s ability to burn fat. In other words, when you have alcohol in your system, it is more difficult for your body to burn existing fat stores.

Well then, drinking alcohol delivers a double-whammy as far as weight loss goals are concerned, doesn't it?

What next then?  Easy…

Get off the grog,

So, I have done a lot of thinking about being lean and luscious,

but what to do about getting there?

Well, today I went to have an ultrasound on the hip that has been paining me for years. It’s not that I haven’t done anything about it – half a dozen doctors, radiologists, massage therapists and two sports physicians, and several x-rays and cortisone injections haven’t really helped. The cortisone takes the pain away for a little while but it always returns and lately it’s been back with a vengeance - big time. So another ultrasound, 2 cortisone injections and $450 later, I am sitting here with a throbbing hip and high hopes that in a few days the pain will have abated. In two weeks I begin a physio program that I am assured, by my very expensive medical advisers, that this will quell the inflammation in my gluteus medius (one of the bum muscles) tendons and hip bursa. OK good. So I should be able to exercise soon.

So what else have I learned about myself and why I am so fabulously fat? Recapping the reasons: I eat too late at night, I don’t get enough sleep, I have been ill, I take certain medications that may or may not slow my metabolism and make me portly; I have been under a lot of stress for a long time and therefore produce lots of stress hormones that turn on that pesky flight or flight response; I have an injury that prevents most weight-bearing, on-land exercise; and sure there may be some genetics involved. And you know what?

Being miserable about being round and wobbly doesn’t help a bit!

It is time for some action: Drumroll please....
Here’s what’s going to happen: exercise more, eat less, eat better, drink less alcohol, be accountable. Remember why I am doing this! (Remind me somebody please?)

1. Exercise as able. Begin a weekly yoga class and progress from there. My goal is to be able to start running as soon as my rehab program allows until I can run 5 kms in 30 minutes. Okay, okay…no great shakes there, but I am not training for the New York Marathon

2. Eat less. I will restrict my calorie intake to 1200-1500 per day. I will join an online weight loss program with inbuilt diary, calorie calculator, tips, recipes and on-line support. I will record everything that passes my luscious lips .

Did you know that research shows that people who use food diaries are more likely to stick to their diet/eating plan than those who don’t?

3.I will drink 6-8 glasses of water per day

4. I will not torture myself by weighing myself every day – once a week is enough!

5. I will listen to my Jon Gabriel CD every night before sleep – more on Jon later!

6. I will practice meditation every day to lower my stress arousal levels
7. I will eat my evening meal by 8pm and go to bed before midnight
8. I will now take all my doctors’ advice about health and do everything they say so that I don’t prolong injuries and illness…with a view to getting better and off those metabolism spoiling medicines
9. I am not sure what I can do about genetics, except pooh-pooh the research and ignore my more well-covered relations
10. Keep writing

So, where am I now and where have I been?

Well after researching all the REASONS I am Rubenesque,, what the hell does it all mean?

I think it means that apart from eating and drinking too much and not moving enough, that there are a couple of other small issues that are impeding (or likely to impede), my journey into weight loss.

"Oh, here we go again: Look young lady, you only have yourself to blame. Sure, life has thrown some crap at you, but get a grip, no-one is forcing you to consume enough calories each day to keep the population of Ethiopia going".

OK, so if you read my previous blog (thanks mind/critical voice for throwing me that very kind, most eloquent advice) there are a few things that have been thrown into the mix here. Namely these are my use of medication, (anti-d's, NSAIDs) my lifelong lack of sleep, my lifelong presence of stress, the possible /maybe / likely/just take a look at some of my family /likelihood that genetics play a part in my tendency to corpulence. Oh, and don't forget I have often (from an early age), eaten dinner and other things, late at night. Oh and my lifelong battle with thinking I was too fat and my lifelong acquaintance with body-shame and dieting.

You know what? I have tried them all: Diets that is. Jenny Craig, food combining, the Scarsdale diet, the Pritikin, the Atkins, online weight loss programs, every diet in my Mother's No idea and Women's' Daily Drudge magazines when I was young, and the Israeli Army Diet (I lasted exactly one day on this - I just couldn't eat apples for 2 days straight. And by the way, AS IF an army could survive on 2 days of apples, 2 days of chicken, 2 days of eggs or whatever other 2 days of boring food there were). This diet actually had nothing to do with the Israeli army apparently. It had a number of factors in common with crash diets – low calories, poor nutrition, and subsequent weight gain. AS IF an army would do this! I went to Israel recently. I saw Israeli soldiers in the street: what I saw were beautiful young women prowling the streets in their uniforms drinking Starbucks coffee, machine guns slung nonchalantly over their shoulders. Not an apple in sight!

The Scarsdale diet is apparently still popular after the 30-odd years after it was first "invented", It's a high protein, low-carb, low-fat diet. It was the first diet I went on when I was aged 14,,, My mother did it too. What I remember is the rigidity. Every day for breakfast it was 1/2 a grapefruit, with dry wholemeal toast and black coffee. (honestly what 14 year old drinks black coffee!!) Lunch on Day one was sliced ham and tomatoes - all you can eat. Allegedly people lost weight, but it sure didn't teach portion control. I remember one night I was soooooo bloody starving I ate half a leg of lamb! Standing in the kitchen with the great big thing gripped in both hands, tearing away at the succulent meat for as if I would never eat again.

Oh and Jenny Craig - what I remember most is the expense, the disgusting array of packaged food that we were forced to buy on top of the exorbitant fee. Look maybe JC has changed these days (I am talking about the late 80s here) - after all Magda aka Sharon from Kath and Kim , Kenny the guy who made the movie about portable toilets and Dicko from the now-defunct Oz Idol, and any number of "celebrities" are endorsing her these days. But I'm telling you I hated every minute. Yep I lost weight, but it was torture and humiliation every step of the way - public weigh-ins, group meetings, half hour chats with an anorexic weight loss "consultant" in a white lab coat to add that extra air of authority and sense of science.

"Trust me, I have a white lab coat on"

And to be sure that eggs are Israeli Army diet eggs, in time, I put on every single skerrick I lost.

So, I wonder what was missing for me with all these diets, weight loss programs, exercise regimes (at one point I became one of those oft-maligned, so-called "Gym Junkies" complete with an up the bum leotard and Lycra knee length gym tights, and a photographic memory of every step class, every fat-burning, weight bearing, circuit training class that the Northside gym had on offer). Was it the rigidity, the discipline (or in my case, lack thereof) that these diets and programs demanded? Was it my lack of will power? My laziness, my own lack of discipline to follow and maintain a simple diet and a set of exercises? Why was it so bloody hard to be thin???