So, where am I now and where have I been?

Well after researching all the REASONS I am Rubenesque,, what the hell does it all mean?

I think it means that apart from eating and drinking too much and not moving enough, that there are a couple of other small issues that are impeding (or likely to impede), my journey into weight loss.

"Oh, here we go again: Look young lady, you only have yourself to blame. Sure, life has thrown some crap at you, but get a grip, no-one is forcing you to consume enough calories each day to keep the population of Ethiopia going".

OK, so if you read my previous blog (thanks mind/critical voice for throwing me that very kind, most eloquent advice) there are a few things that have been thrown into the mix here. Namely these are my use of medication, (anti-d's, NSAIDs) my lifelong lack of sleep, my lifelong presence of stress, the possible /maybe / likely/just take a look at some of my family /likelihood that genetics play a part in my tendency to corpulence. Oh, and don't forget I have often (from an early age), eaten dinner and other things, late at night. Oh and my lifelong battle with thinking I was too fat and my lifelong acquaintance with body-shame and dieting.

You know what? I have tried them all: Diets that is. Jenny Craig, food combining, the Scarsdale diet, the Pritikin, the Atkins, online weight loss programs, every diet in my Mother's No idea and Women's' Daily Drudge magazines when I was young, and the Israeli Army Diet (I lasted exactly one day on this - I just couldn't eat apples for 2 days straight. And by the way, AS IF an army could survive on 2 days of apples, 2 days of chicken, 2 days of eggs or whatever other 2 days of boring food there were). This diet actually had nothing to do with the Israeli army apparently. It had a number of factors in common with crash diets – low calories, poor nutrition, and subsequent weight gain. AS IF an army would do this! I went to Israel recently. I saw Israeli soldiers in the street: what I saw were beautiful young women prowling the streets in their uniforms drinking Starbucks coffee, machine guns slung nonchalantly over their shoulders. Not an apple in sight!

The Scarsdale diet is apparently still popular after the 30-odd years after it was first "invented", It's a high protein, low-carb, low-fat diet. It was the first diet I went on when I was aged 14,,, My mother did it too. What I remember is the rigidity. Every day for breakfast it was 1/2 a grapefruit, with dry wholemeal toast and black coffee. (honestly what 14 year old drinks black coffee!!) Lunch on Day one was sliced ham and tomatoes - all you can eat. Allegedly people lost weight, but it sure didn't teach portion control. I remember one night I was soooooo bloody starving I ate half a leg of lamb! Standing in the kitchen with the great big thing gripped in both hands, tearing away at the succulent meat for as if I would never eat again.

Oh and Jenny Craig - what I remember most is the expense, the disgusting array of packaged food that we were forced to buy on top of the exorbitant fee. Look maybe JC has changed these days (I am talking about the late 80s here) - after all Magda aka Sharon from Kath and Kim , Kenny the guy who made the movie about portable toilets and Dicko from the now-defunct Oz Idol, and any number of "celebrities" are endorsing her these days. But I'm telling you I hated every minute. Yep I lost weight, but it was torture and humiliation every step of the way - public weigh-ins, group meetings, half hour chats with an anorexic weight loss "consultant" in a white lab coat to add that extra air of authority and sense of science.

"Trust me, I have a white lab coat on"

And to be sure that eggs are Israeli Army diet eggs, in time, I put on every single skerrick I lost.

So, I wonder what was missing for me with all these diets, weight loss programs, exercise regimes (at one point I became one of those oft-maligned, so-called "Gym Junkies" complete with an up the bum leotard and Lycra knee length gym tights, and a photographic memory of every step class, every fat-burning, weight bearing, circuit training class that the Northside gym had on offer). Was it the rigidity, the discipline (or in my case, lack thereof) that these diets and programs demanded? Was it my lack of will power? My laziness, my own lack of discipline to follow and maintain a simple diet and a set of exercises? Why was it so bloody hard to be thin???